If I Was God

by Wayne Bomgaars.


After a lifetime of studying and practicing religion, I decided I just couldn’t take it anymore. If anyone just stopped and applied any kind of logic to how religion operates, they would have to come to the conclusion that no god would be as petty, cruel and/or illogical as the ones religions across the world depict.

Still, just because I have come to despise religion and the limits it places on mankind, does not mean I have dismissed god from my life. On the contrary…, I still very much believe in a just and sensible god. But to imagine what this god is like, I would have to do the most unspeakable thing imaginable. I would actually have to pretend I was god. I would put myself in his shoes and evaluate everything he has to put with. It didn’t take long to realize how religion has taken everything good about god, and made it bad.

So let me present to you my version of:


  • I would want you to look to me for what you can do…, not for what you can’t.
  • I would want you to think for yourself and stop bothering me about every little damn thing.
  • I’d tell you enough with the Hail Marys already! Enough is enough!
  • I wouldn’t want poor people pressured into giving what little money they have to build crystal cathedrals.
  • I would not want you killing in my name.
  • I wouldn’t give a damn about the words you spoke. I’d only care about the hate behind those words.
  • I wouldn’t want you worrying about what your neighbor is doing as long as he/she isn’t hurting anyone.
  • I don’t want you telling people I’m going to send them to hell.
  • I’d want you to stop depending on the manual. (Bible) When it comes time to deciding what is right or wrong…, use your brain. You know damn well what is right & wrong.
  • I’d tell you to stop hiding behind the Bible. Stop using it to justify what you want to be right or wrong.
  • Actually…, I’d tell you to throw the Bible away. It’s been twisted so much through the years that even I don’t recognize it anymore.
  • I’d tell you the same thing Jesus said: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” That explains everything and anything.
  • I wouldn’t want you getting pregnant and having a baby if you are not prepared or willing to take responsibility for him/her.
  • I would say the best way to stop abortion is not get pregnant in the first place. Use birth control.
  • I would ask you to have more faith in yourself.
  • I would be glad that you believed in me, but we’d have to have a talk about this religion crap. It’s totally missing the point.
  • I’d ask you WTF is a Pope?
  • I wouldn’t want your belief in me, to limit you.
  • I wouldn’t want guilt to be your guide.
  • I’d want you to stop worrying about pleasing me all the time.
  • I’d want you to be what you are. Be good…, but be what you are.
  • I would tell you I don’t give a damn about the robes and special clothing.
  • I wouldn’t care what foods you did or didn’t eat…, especially on Fridays.
  • I wouldn’t care about these locations you feel a need to travel to because you think you will get closer to me.
  • I wouldn’t care if you danced
  • I wouldn’t care if you played cards
  • I wouldn’t care if you went to the movies
  • I wouldn’t care if you drank. Excess is what is harmful. Not the substance
  • I’d laugh at those burka things. Like WTF are you even thinking?
  • I wouldn’t want you punishing people for breaking these frivolous rules you keep making up
  • I’d demand that you stop using me as an excuse for your wars, your bigotry and your obsessions.
  • I’d be pissed that you use me to control people.
  • I’d tell you to quit your silly rituals and superstitions. I mean what a joke!
  • I’d want you to do things because they’re right. Not because you fear being sent to hell.
  • I wouldn’t care less if you masturbated. In fact I’d recommend it.
  • I would tell you arranged and forced marriages are ludicrous.
  • I would say that you are in no position to judge others. How dare you?
  • I would not care if you wanted to mangle your penis. But don’t do it for me.
  • I’d tell you the only person you need to confess your sins to is yourself.
  • I’d tell you stop repeating and chanting the same damn prayers over and over.
  • I’d tell you stop sending your money to those idiots on TV who say I talk to them. If I talked to anyone, it wouldn’t be the. And I wouldn’t tell them to send have you send money.
  • I’d tell a lot of you to just mellow out!
  • I’d tell you to stop worrying what goes on in other people’s bedrooms.
  • I’d tell you very loudly; “STOP USING ME AS YOUR CRUTCH!!! Stand up for goodness sake!”




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